


Flume

by monolorian



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Ben's New Name Is Kai, F/M, Fisherman Ben, Fix-It, Memory Loss, Mentions of hunting / animal death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, jedi master rey, no beta we die like women
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:33:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24701620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monolorian/pseuds/monolorian
Summary: Kai sees himself as a mere fisherman, the memory loss he suffers effectively eradicated any trace of a past life he might have once had. With no identity, besides the one he had newly crafted for himself, Kai leads a simple and peaceful life on Kef Bir. Until one day a relentless Force urges him out into the stormy sea, compelling him to find something he doesn't understand. What he finds is a lightsaber drifting in the ocean and a deep, distinct voice talking to him. It tells him to go find Rey.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 34
Kudos: 76





	1. Cross In A Net

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, so please be lenient.  
> English is neither my first language nor do I have a Beta.  
> So... this is going to be interesting, I guess.

A storm raged in the sky. Thick dark clouds covering the otherwise so clear sky, rumbling like angry monsters waiting to strike their fury down upon whoever dared to cross them. Lighting would strike between each growl, like a furious explosion, a mad war in the midst of the sky.  
  
Down below ocean waves crashed wild and untamed. In the midst of it a small boat and a man.

The man was drenched from head to toe, more than one shudder ripped through his body as the cold wind tried to sway him off the boat. He did not know which was worse, the restless crashing of the water around him or the relentless downpour from the black clouds. His hair and thick wool sweater stuck to him, his mouth was shaking from the cold, as the loud screams of the waves around him overrode even the sound of his own frantic breathing.  
  
He shouldn't be here, not in such weather circumstances, it was suicide. He knew that, had been told so by fellow fishermen, as he had set off into the water. But something had called him out here, a call so strong he was sure no human would have been able to resist it.  
  
Maybe he had been called to his death, he thought. And that was just as well, the village folk might mourn him for a week, but they would soon forget him. As unexpectedly as he had come into their lives, just as suddenly he would be gone.  
  
But there was something calling to him. A call that couldn't be heard but felt. A call that felt like an insistent pull on his very soul, the very core of his being, dragging him out here in this mad storm and twisting his fate towards one of sure death.  
  
He took his net and threw it into the ocean, one end being swallowed by the hungry waves, while the other was tightly gripped in his muscular arms. It was a tug of war between a mere man and the unrelenting wrath of nature. He held on, his feet trying to ground him towards the boat rather than let him be dragged into the endless abyss of the sea. If he fell he would not survive.  
  
He pulled and pulled, finding a strength in him that should not be there but somehow still was, aiding him in responding to this call that had gotten him in this situation in the first place.  
  
At last, the net was back in his possession and with it a black metal object, it's shape a cross, red veins encircling it like a snake an unsuspecting victim. He wiped the black strands of his hair that were still sticking to his face away to see better. He freed the object out of it's woven cage and held it in his hand, where it felt like a foreign yet familiar weight. His hand moved instinctively, once again enraptured in a call he could not unhear, igniting it and out shot red light. Violent and blazing light shone on his features, illuminating his dark eyes, large nose and wide lips in it's red sheen. Suddenly the waves were nothing but a silent hum in his ears, all he could hear was the constant drawl of the blade and a deep, distinct voice echoing in his mind. 

_“Find Rey.”_  
  
-  
  
He hadn't died.  
  
In an unlikely stroke of luck, the storm had ebbed down and the monsters in the waves and in the clouds caved and gave enough peace for him to find his way back home. As he arrived at the dock Yava, an older fisherman whom he owed his life to and who had been kind enough to teach him his craft, ran up towards him with his arms up above him.  
  
“I thought for sure you had died! You were lucky I must tell you, something had the grace and kindness to protect you out there! Unbelievable!”  
  
He thought about the old man's words on his way towards his hut. He had thought the call had been a sure lure into his final demise and yet here he was. Still alive, still breathing – albeit a little more shakily.  
  
As he stepped into his humble and warm home, his body feeling ancient and heavy, the first thing he did was light the fireplace. Water was dripping off of him and all onto the floor. His bones felt like they had turned to ice and he feared that they would snap in half if he as much as moved too fast. So he heeded his own warning worries and undressed slowly. First went his thick wool sweater, then the rest. His garments landed on the floor with a loud, wet sound, drenching the wooden tiles in their moisture. He moved towards the comfort of the heat, waiting for it's magic to bring life into his limbs, as he sat nude and stared into the fire.  
  
The flames felt like a reflection of his innermost emotions.  
  
He didn't look at the dark, metal object but his thoughts were full of it. He had instantly recognized it as a lightsaber. It was the first thing he had recognized in the last years, ever since he had first seen his own reflection in the water all that time ago when he had awoken next to a lake on this moon that he now called his home.  
  
When he had awoken, he had wandered aimlessly for days, with no idea about who the man that had looked back at him in the water was. He hadn't known where he was either. All he knew was that the insistent hunger and thirst that were wrecking his body would lead to his death if he did not find some sort of sustenance soon.  
  
He had killed a small creature that he had come across on instinct.  
  
He had killed it with his bare hands, yet had no idea how to prepare it for it to be edible and not poisonous to him. So he hadn't eaten it. The creature had died for nothing.  
  
He had kept walking, running on nothing but hope that he would sooner rather than later come across some kind of intelligent creature that would come to his aid. But that hadn't happened. Something better had happened. 

He had come across a small humanoid village, had fallen to his knees, devoid of all energy the moment he was free of the fear of starvation, as he stumbled onto the marketplace. Yava had approached him with water and small fruit. He had invited him into his and his wive's home until he would come to own his own hut. He had taught him how to tame the waves and trap the fish with his net. How to trade and sell his plunder to the locals.  
  
The other villagers had first been cautious around him, the dark and tall creature of a man intimidated the simple folk, but once he was deemed trustworthy they soon turned friendly. Old women would gift him cakes and encouraged him to smile more, while young women blushed when he did. Most men would invite him to their games and drinks. It was a calm life and while he did not have any memories of his past life, he still felt like this was something he had never known. Like this was a kind of life utmost foreign to him not just because of his lacking memory.  
  
Yava had once remarked that he must have been a hard worker, judging by his big stature. His wife Meila commented he must have been a strong fighter, maybe even a soldier, while she giggled into her cup of caff and earned herself a warning look from Yava. He was strongly built, taller than all women and all men in the village. He sometimes felt like a giant intruding upon their small and peaceful lives. Yava had called him a gentle giant, for his voice was always a silent murmur that contradicted his physical appearance. While he had never admitted it to Yava, that had been an intentional choice by him. He feared that if he didn't make an effort to make himself seem smaller and less intimidating than he was, that the villagers might once again grow scared of him. Some men called him big ears, usually the ones that did indeed somehow feel threatened by his presence. He did not bother to lower his voice with them. Meila mostly called him handsome. The other women just smiled or giggled whenever he was near.

At one point Meila had asked him what he would like to be called, that he should choose a name for himself instead of remaining a nameless person with only nicknames to be called. He had gone on instinct when he had chosen Kai. 

It was a nice life.

But now the call wouldn't free him from it's grip and he felt restless for the first time since he had awoken next to the lake. The urgency of the saber's call had infiltrated his body and filled him with questions that now sought answers that had once seemed unanswerable and thus he had never pursued.  
  
_Who was he? What had his life been like? How had he ended up here? What was his name? Did he have a family? Did anyone miss him? Was he neglecting someone by remaining here? Why did he recognize this lightsaber?_  
  
Once sufficiently dried and warm, he went to bed. His sleep was dreamless, as it always was. A mind with no memories and no dreams. Blank and black. He awakes calm but hollow, as he always does. Until he spots the saber on his kitchen counter again and the restlessness returns.

-  
  
“You're leaving?!” Yava exclaims, his eyes wide open as he sets the cup he had been holding down on the table. Meila turns from her spot in front of the sink and looks worryingly over to him. “Kai, is this about your argument with Krutga? I could talk to his wife, have her talk some sense into him” she insisted as she stepped closer to him.

“No, this has nothing to do with any of you,” Kai replied as earnestly as he was capable of. “You have all been very kind to me, and I am forever in your debt. But- ” he paused. How could he explain to them that there was something inside him that had been awakened the moment he had set off into the storm three days ago? That there was a unstoppable and feverish pull for him to abide to whatever the black saber is telling him to do? That he did indeed want to find this Rey, that he hoped, despite the kindness of these strangers, to find the life he had been ripped away from. That he was also afraid of what answers would await him, should he even be lucky enough find them.  
  
“I must go” he finished lamely.  
  
The silence stretched as he fisted his hands in his lap below the table. Yava's wife stepped closer to him, took his hands out of his lap, and gently pried his finger apart, she held them softly in her own much smaller and older hands.  
  
“You are not in anyone's debt, Kai.” “Yes,” Yava started “whenever you wish to return, you will always be welcome here.”  
  
-  
  
He looked back towards the village, now only a small dot on the horizon. Their parting words still freshly ringing in his mind, along with the call of the saber.  
  
“We wish you safe travels, Kai. May you find what you so desperately seek and could not find here. May the force be with you and aid you in your search.”  
  
He had forgotten to ask what they had meant by that.  
  



	2. Bruised Noses And Forced Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's search for Rey continues.

Kai had wandered among the lifeless parts of Shoduah for days on end, not much except wild orbak herds occasionally passing by to distract his thoughts. Dull, repetitive scenery continuously filled his vision - Kef Bir was a moon bearing little distractions besides it's oceans and grasslands. That had been a comforting thing back in the village, something that brought peace to his turbulent emotions when the lack of knowing himself sent his heart into a racing drum.

It wasn't now.

He sighed, kicked a stone with his right foot while desperately trying to think of anything new to occupy his mind during this seemingly endless trek. But his mind didn't offer much besides the same repetitive memories of the villagers he had left some days ago. Just as it always did.  
  
Whenever he felt like he was on the brink of a revelation, like a lock on a lost memory was about to come undone, when a sense of recognition would pass through his mind and send shivers over the back of his skull-  
  
It would vanish.  
  
It would vanish again and leave him feeling strangely hollow.

Until he had found the lightsaber.

He didn't feel hollow anymore, but more like a thick mist was clouding his mind. A mist that was keeping parts of himself hidden away from him, still there but out of his reach. Somewhere lost in the landscape of his mind, while he had neither map nor compass to find those parts. 

Even now, far away from the grand ocean of Kef Bir, he still felt like a lonely sailor on a misty sea. A sailor that was sure that he would soon reach the next island, yet will never make it to the shore, and instead is endlessly sailing on a vast and empty sea.  
  
He felt like memory was a ghost that was intent on eluding him.

That ghost was his most loyal companion, a loyal ache taking the place of whatever had been there before. A soundless pain to keep him company. It was better than nothing, he would sometimes argue with himself.

He **had** tried to figure some clues out.

His body indicated that he had been a fighter, maybe a soldier, as Meila had once pointed out. But he didn’t have any significant scars on his body, so maybe he had never been out on the battlefield. Or maybe he has been just that good that no one could land a scratch? He shook his head, he didn’t want to get delusions of grandeur based on nothing but empty assumptions and wishful thinking. He imagines the ghost laughing at him, knowing that the reality of his past life was a much humbler one.  
  
Maybe he had just liked shaping his body, maybe he had been a vain and self-absorbed man, looking to refine his body for no other reason except to attract women. But that didn’t sound right to him either, he knew what his face looked like and there certainly was not much to base **that** sort of delusion on. Big ears, big nose, big mouth. Everything about him was too big for anyone to be appealing to.

He thought of the lightsaber he was carrying with him for what felt like the hundredth time today. Why did it feel so familiar? Why did it call to him? Was he just it's pawn, used by whatever magic it possessed to do it's bidding? Maybe it was because he didn’t know who he was that made him easy to manipulate into doing it’s bidding? Maybe whoever this Rey was wouldn’t bring him the answers he desperately wanted. Maybe this was the bottomless desperation inside him leading him to make irrational decisions, risking his life based on nothing but hallucinations caused by a metal cross that had been thrown into the ocean by who knew whom.

And probably with good reason.

He stopped abruptly and exhaled deeply, tired of the endless circling of his own mind. None of these thoughts were new, they kept repeating in his head over and over, with nothing else being able to hold his attention for long enough to help him shake them off. Back at the village that had been easier, when there were people around and he had interactions and work to center him just enough to not get carried away by the endless, insecure questioning of his mind.

But he was alone now and all he could think about was a life long forgotten, the lightsaber and the name Rey.

-

He reached a small hangar bay, which was the one closest to the village, after 8 days of walking. His supplies were nearly gone, even with his careful portioning and he was glad for not getting lost along the way. If he had, well, he might have found himself once again killing small, helpless creatures in a desperate attempt to survive.

A female Dug was in charge of the place. She eyed him wearily as her employees led him to her.

„A ride costs 800.“

„Of course.“

He handed her the money without heckling, he didn't want to risk angering her, she was his only way off this moon. He had to leave now, he wouldn't be able to make the trek back without any food and water left on himself.  
  
Besides, leading a frugal life in the village had paid off it seems. He hadn’t felt the need to purchase anything that wasn't absolutely necessary for him. He hadn’t had a wife or children to spoil like Yava and he certainly had felt no urge to spoil himself. So he had just kept saving money as if some part of him had anticipated his departure long before he had crossed paths with the Lightsaber. As if there was a higher power giving him the instructions he needed to follow in order to be prepared for what was to come. That was silly of course and he felt foolish for thinking such thoughts. He imagined the ghost laughing at him.

He was lead into a ship that would bring him to one of the higher populated planets within the Inner Rim. He figured he would first have to collect information on whoever this Rey was. The lightsaber unfortunately hadn’t come with directions and he had to start somewhere. Starting at a place with plenty of people to question seemed like the most logical course of action to him.

He dropped himself into one of the passenger seats, exhaustion finally catching up with him after so many days of traveling by foot. When he closed his eyes he did not find the dreamless sleep he had grown to expect over the last years.

Instead, he dreamed of a violent ocean crashing all around him, freezing winds and the sound of sizzling Lightsabers slashing against each other.

His fists clenched in his sleep.

-

When he arrived on Bractila the change felt drastic. The heat was intense and humid, the planet somehow looked ancient and modern at the same time. It felt like they were too close to the sun, everything was too bright and yellow, it was completely opposite to Kef Bir. Kai had to squint his eyes.

The landing area was right next to a market filled with life-forms of all kinds. Alien species he had never seen and that he had to stop himself from staring at unless he sought to find himself in trouble. So he kept his face carefully blank, almost expertly so, and nobody knew any better about his nervousness or his incredulity at some of the things he was seeing.

A small sheen of sweat glistened on his face, a few droplets dripping down his temple, as he looked for the nearest water stand. First, he needed to get water, then food. After that, he would find a place to stay in until he found some sort of information about Rey‘s location. His savings were large by his humble standards, but they weren’t endless and he already contemplated what kind of work he would be able to do in a place like this. He had some experience in catching and selling fish, maybe that would prove itself to be useful.

He approached several stands, buying some necessities that he hadn't already been carrying with him or that he had run out of and after that was done surprisingly quickly found a room to stay in. Roaming around he had spotted a small tavern with a spare room a little further down from the marketplace. It had also turned out to be a much cheaper alternative compared to some of the more luxurious inns. He didn't need luxury, he needed to find information and move on to wherever his next stop would turn out to be.

There weren’t many comforts in his room, just a bed that was slightly too small - his feet would dangle off of it - and a small desk. It had only one window and blinds that were ripped in too many places to be of any real use. He had no secure place to hide the lightsaber in, nowhere he could lock it inside. He definitely wouldn’t just leave it here, he knew how valuable it was and most importantly how valuable it potentially could be to him. And besides that there was also the issue of it's magnetic pull drawing him in, simply not allowing him to leave it out of his sight.

Despite his best efforts to not fall for delusions, he kept clinging to the hope that this saber had called to him for a reason, that this pull he felt wasn't some sort of fabrication of his own mind, and that it would eventually lead him towards answers about who he was.  
  
The ghost didn't laugh at that, but Kai did suddenly feel like it had gotten a little harder to breathe, like it had gotten a little harder to swallow past the lump in his throat.

If he found this Rey person and it turned out he was indeed just a pawn delivering a weapon to it’s rightful owner -

He knew it was unwise of him to hope, it might even turn out to be dangerous, but until he knew for certain that his dreams were nothing but delusions he couldn’t prevent himself from wishing for a different outcome. An outcome that included answers for his questions and maybe a familiar face he would recognize.

His fingers lightly caressed the dark steel as if it were a living being in need of comfort.

Maybe that was because he himself was in dire need of it.

-

He washed his hands, the hot water burned the rashes on his knuckles but he ignored the pain. His head looked up from the sink and into the mirror, regarding his bloody face. Blood was still running from his nose, over his lips, and down his throat. He held a piece of cloth into the hot stream of water and went on to rub it over his face. He cleaned the piece of cloth in the water-filled sink and repeated the process. Once, twice, then a third time.

He had been able to find a job at one of the market stands, which was unfortunate. He had been told more than once that no one would want to buy something from him, with his looks being so intimidating and his expression so sour. “You are too big and you look too mean!” An elderly woman had told him quite bluntly and unkindly. She had told him he would ruin her business because if it.

It would have been a good stepping stone for his own little mission and he regretted the failure. He would have been able to earn money and would have at the same time been exposed to a large number of people which he could have questioned while making sales. But nobody wanted him there, so he moved on and found something else. Something not quite as peaceful as a job as a salesman would have been but still, something that included being exposed to a significant amount of people.

A man had approached him just as he had been being rejected again by a stand-owner and had offered him a job as a doorman. It turned out that he looked just right for that kind of job.

Which is how he ended up here.

He was now one of the bouncers of this night club, his job was to prevent any sketchy, drunk, and poor people from entering the establishment. Inside women performed exotic dances and whatnot. Kai didn’t know many details about what went down inside, it was not where is focus lay. All he needed was an opportunity to get into conversations with whoever crossed his sight, collect as much information as he could get and a steady income to ensure his savings would remain untouched once he’d hit flight again to wherever his search for Rey would lead him to next.

If he ever found Rey.

So far he had found no leads whatsoever and he had already spent a month in this place.

He regarded his own face, now clean of blood, solemn and tired. A customer had caused trouble, attacking one of the women and once Kai had been called to step in, the customer had landed a good hit on his nose. Said customer had gotten the beating of a lifetime, not just by Kai but his two fellow bouncers as well. It was best to leave a lasting impression, a warning for everyone else that might get the wrong idea about what kind of behavior would be tolerated at the nightclub. It was necessary to ensure the women's safety.

He looked at the water in the sink, tinted as red as the fiery blade of the lightsaber he always carried with him, hidden away below his shirt and coat.

He finds himself missing the clear and bright blue oceans of Kef Bir.

-

Kai was dreaming again.

A body - warm, small and slender - was writhing beneath his much larger form, as he caged her in. Tenderly whispered huffs and moans left sweet plump lips in a fevered rhythm. He relished in it, his mouth hovering closely over hers, trying to catch every one of her exhales for himself. Afraid of losing anything that was hers, wanting to absorb all she was willing to give.

One of his arms rested in his elbow, while his other hand gently held her jaw as his face remained mere inches above hers.

His breath mingled with hers - in and out.

His length was burrowing itself inside her - in and out.

His heart wanted out of his body and bury itself into hers.

It was a steady rhythm, a sense being one, a sense of being whole.

Any distance between them would be too much to bear, spare him too little of her, and felt just not right at all.

His eyes stared into hers as he felt turbulent emotion overcome him like a tidal wave. He wanted to show her what kind of man he was, he wanted to show her that he was exactly the kind of man she needed. He would make sure he was. Whatever she needed, he wanted to give it to her, be it for her, obtain it for her.

Her arms tightly encircled him and small hands clutched his back. Her legs urged his hips relentlessly onward, like waves crashing repeatedly. Her responses were so very earnest. He felt surrounded by her, encapsulated by her very love, a warmth that ripped into his chest whether he wanted it to or not, an ocean that swallowed him whole – an ocean that wanted all of him for itself.

And he wanted it too, he wanted her love. He yearned for it, starved for it, begged for it, cried for it. He wished to be desired and loved. He wished to be held, wished to be kissed and cherished. He wished to do the same for her, wished to respond to her every call and whim.

He wished for her to need him as much as he needed her.

He held his breath as the mere thought of her ever turning away from him threatened to undo him.

One of her hands reached out towards his face, tracing the space beneath his right eye, following an invisible line. He felt a burning beneath his eyes, felt like they were alight with a fiery pain that nothing could ease. Except her. Her healing touch was the only thing capable of soothing whatever ache had overcome him, a soft drizzle of rain putting out the flames inside of him.

Her soft pants harshened, her gaze was glassy and full of a heat that he wished would burn him to ashes.

„....-en“,

was the last thing he heard before he violently awoke, viciously torn from his dream.

His heartbeat was a frantic drum, and the ringing in his ears was unbearable. Still, he couldn't move. He remained in bed, waited for the feelings to subside as patiently as he could.

But they wouldn't vanish until the next day.

He couldn’t remember her face, nor the way her voice sounded.

-

He walked among the marketplace just as business was starting. It was in the early hours of the morning and he just got off from work. Another night with no leads.

He had escorted some of the women to their homes, a responsibility that the men working at the nightclub split between themselves. Sometimes guests would get incredibly stupid ideas, that much he had learned. In the three months he had been employed as additional security they had been ambushed seven times on their way out of the nightclub.

Once there had been a particularly close call, as three men had decided to attack him all at once, the women were untrained, unarmed, and therefore unable to aid him. Luckily, he had gotten out of that fight mostly unscathed, except for another bruised nose and a purple eye. Eona, one of the dancers at the nightclub, had insisted on tending to his wounds and brought him to her home. “It is the least I can do”, she had said.

And yet she had tried to do even more for him.

His rejection had stung her so badly, that she refused to even look at him anymore, always turning away with an angry, red flush gracing her features. It was unfortunate, he thought, he had liked talking to her. Something about her sometimes rash and angry behavior had intrigued him, but he had no interest in pursuing any kind of relationship, however fleeting it would be. He had other things on his mind. It wouldn't be fair to her. Not when his feelings didn't match hers. 

He turned towards one of the stands that sold different kinds of fish. He visited this particular stand quite frequently. It reminded him of Yava, Meila, and life in the village on Kef Bir. He had gotten used to his life on Bractila, but it was also a life more eventful and less communal. At times, mostly after a particularly long shift, he found himself missing the sense of peace and companionship he had had on Kef Bir, and that was when he would visit the stand. The smell and the taste of fish didn't replace Yava and Meila, but it was a small comfort and that was better than nothing at all.

He noticed movement out of the corner of his eye, as two figures clothed in varying shades of grey passed him. They were new. By now he had gained enough familiarity with this particular area of Bractila, that he knew most of it's inhabitants. He waited for a moment until they had gained enough distance to be able to inconspicuously follow them.

They talked in low murmurs, too low for him to hear at this distance.

He kept shadowing them, surprisingly stealthy for someone who had never done such a thing, at least not that he could remember, until they suddenly paused at a weapon-stand. He dared to inch a little closer and pretended to be intrigued by the jewelry that the stand next to them sold. An older woman approached him, obviously the owner. “Can I help you choose something? Maybe some pretty jewelry for a pretty wife?” He didn't bother to correct her and just nodded and pointed to a bracelet furthest from him in hopes that she would stop talking to him if he just bought something. He couldn't be chatting away with her and at the same time listen in on the newcomers' conversation. He knew well enough how relentless the salespeople here could be, only leaving their targets off the hook once they bought something. The more expensive the better.

“Temiri, look! Doesn't this staff look like something Master Skywalker would like?”, the female out of the group of two exclaimed excitedly. Kai's body tensed at the name, a chill running right from his head to down towards his spine, and everything felt too hot and too cold at the same time. He recognized the name, he didn't know why but he **knew** it.

The boy, a mere teenager, responded with a croaking voice. “Every time her birthday comes around someone gifts her a staff, don't you think we should make an effort to be more creative this time around?”  
  
The girl huffed, “Well, she does go through them fast enough, I don't think she has any left that hadn't already been broken twice.”  
  
They both laughed and went on their way, ignoring the vendor cursing at them for wasting his time and not buying anything. Kai paid for the necklace, pocketed it, and followed them until they reached the inn they were staying at.

He left after that, now knowing where he could find them should he decide to seek them out again.

-

He paced his room like a wounded animal.  
  
He certainly felt like he was one.  
  
A wound dealt not by obtaining it but by losing something. Losing himself. A gaping hole inside him that throbbed painfully any time he thought of it.

The name Skywalker repeated in his head over and over again. His hands were clutching his hair, as he stared holes into the floor.

He should go to bed, he hadn't slept in two days. But he couldn't.

_Skywalker._

He had recognized the name in the very same way he had recognized the Lightsaber. He didn't and did know at the same time. He reached for the object tied to his back, hidden beneath his shirt. He would lately keep reaching for it whenever he needed comfort.

_Skywalker._

The lightsaber wanted him to search for Rey, but something inside him had responded to the name Skywalker. What if these two people could lead him closer to who he was? But what if this was just his imagination? What if the moment he left this place a lead to wherever this Rey was would present itself?

_Skywalker._

Again he wondered if he was just a pawn to whatever powers this lightsaber held and if this Rey person had nothing to do with him. And what if whoever carried the name Skywalker did instead? This recognition he felt was beyond the pull he felt towards the saber, something independent of it's undeniable magic. Magic that might be tricking him.

_Skywalker._

His decision was made.  
  
He would follow those two teenagers and see where they would lead him.

The lightsaber tingled warmly against his back.  
  
He gripped it tighter.

-

He trailed them during the entirety of their stay. They hadn't noticed him, and he was more than a little surprised at his stealth. Instinct had told him when to push on, when to back down, when to look away and when to listen a little more closely. It was a truly wondrous thing.

They had met with some kind of informant, exchanged whatever they needed to exchange and moved on to collect their belongings from the inn they had been staying at for the past week. They were gone an hour later, with no trace left behind. Kai wondered at his luck, if he hadn't noticed them days ago at the marketplace he would have been none the wiser about their presence. As suddenly as they had appeared, just as quickly they had vanished.

And they were on their way back to Ajan Kloss.

Kai went on to his own rooms, collected whatever little he needed, left the keys on the bed, bid his farewell to the owner and his colleagues.

He left Bractila two days after them.

The pilot of the transport had stared at him wide-eyed once he had shared his intended destination with him. “Ajan Kloss?”, the pilot chuckled nervously “Well, let's hope Rey Skywalker won't have us shot out of the sky once we enter it's airspace.”

Kai's eyebrows almost reached his hairline and after a couple of moments of silently staring at the pilot, he let out a breathless laugh, incredulity, and disbelieve written all over his face. The pilot gave him a wary look before he moved to the cockpit and left Kai to deal with this revelation on his own.

Rey Skywalker.

 **Rey** Skywalker.

He fell into one of the seats, his face still frozen in a mask of shock, and let out a long breath.  
  
The ship started to shake as it left the ground, the walls groaned and the engines growled. He was in the belly of a beast that in a matter of minutes set out into space, traveling the endless, star-filled, black ocean that was the galaxy.

He looked out of a small window as yellow and hot Bractila grew smaller and smaller the more distance he gained. His own reflection looked back at him, eyes dark as the black mass surrounding him, he looked rough and pale. Any color his skin used to have on Kef Bir was drained out from sleeping during most of the day, and working during the night.

He was on his way to Ajan Kloss.

The Lightsaber on his back burned.

-

Kai dreamed.  
  
He dreamed of bright, white snow on grass, freezing the life beneath it. He dreamed of a dark, all-consuming night, concealing whatever else might lay hidden in it. Then, flecks of blood covering the snow, illuminated by an even redder light.

  
Tall black trees were scattered everywhere, their branches steadily carrying the weight of small snowflakes that kept peacefully falling. In the midst of it, a fight, a dance of red and blue. Somewhere in the midst of that was the feeling of anger, of possessiveness, and then wonder. Then more wonder, then purple and then yearning.  
  
A face bathed in purple light, looking back at him in fierce determination. He is being pushed back, he falls and then a sharp, melting pain shoots through his face. But what remains is that same feeling of wonder, when looking back into sharp, determined eyes.  
  
The moment he wakes up he forgets all about them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Ben and Rey finally meet.


	3. Hunting Creatures and Sparkling Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai has finally arrived on Ajan Kloss. His first meeting with Rey is not going as he had hoped it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of hunting and meat. If you are sensitive to that, you might want to skip this chapter.

“State your intentions” a young and harsh female voice erupted from one of the crackling speakers inside the cockpit. The pilot had called him in right before they entered Ajan Kloss' airspace, asking him to be ready to state his business once they would get contacted. The pilot looked at him expectantly, he seemed almost nervous and had been so ever since they had started this journey.

“Yes, uhm, I wish to speak to Rey Skywalker.” Kai mumbled. The pilot's jitteriness was infecting him, heightening his own gut-twisting anxiety. He had awoken feeling nauseous and hadn't been able to shake the feeling ever since. His mind was clouded with worry, a thick mist that covered his thoughts and kept him preoccupied with all the ways this could go wrong. It kept him fretting with all the ways this could not end the way he was hoping it would.

  
“And who might you be?” The girl drawled impatiently, seeming almost indignant that he believed he could simply request to meet Jedi Master Rey Skywalker on a mere request. She even huffed out a small, incredulous laugh. It didn't exactly build his confidence or curb his apprehension.  
  
“Kai...” A most meaningless name if there ever was one.  
  
“Kai who?” The voice pressed on. He could imagine whoever was on the other end of the line was likely already preparing to blast them straight out of their airspace. The pilot had started wringing his hands nervously, his adam's apple was bobbing as he swallowed and looked up at Kai expectantly, hoping he would have an answer that would be satisfactory to whoever was on the other end of the line.

Kai doubted that would be the case.

“Just Kai.” He said, insecurity gnawing at his bones, bones that held no weight except his own. He was a nobody and he would not be granted to meet Rey. His instinctive reaction to the name Skywalker had only strengthened his hope, that this person would know who he was, that they would somehow give him the insight into his past which might then maybe give him an inkling about what to do with himself and his future. Kai thought about the luck he had has so far, that somehow he had picked the right planet to search for info, and then had happened to cross paths with her students and followed them on mere intuition, without any knowledge that they would lead him to Rey – he had involuntarily begun to hope that the universe was maybe conspiring for him to find his past and purpose. Hope that that past and purpose would somehow be connected to the Jedi Rey Skywalker. However delusional the idea might have been, he couldn't shake it off, it kept sticking to him like glue and any attempt of freeing himself of it for his own sake felt like ripping his own skin off. This feeling of hope was like a parasite, unrelenting in it's attachment to him. It wouldn't release him, no matter how hard the ghost, the invisible monster inside his head kept laughing at him.

Suddenly Kai felt a lot like sighing.

Instead, he hastily resumed talking, afraid of the inevitable rejection the woman would surely give words to in mere seconds. “I have a lightsaber! I found it! It led me here!” He shouted, startling not only the pilot but also himself as the words rushed out of him like a sudden gust of wind.  
  
It was just seconds, but they felt like long and lonely years to Kai before the girl spoke again.

“I will send you coordinates to where you can land.” A series of high pitched noises signaled the arrival of said coordinates. Then a crack. And then silence.

He did it. His heart was beating against his ribcage as if applauding him. A drop of sweat left his forehead and trickled down the side of his face as a tear might have - he might as well started crying from relief. The pilot looked similarly calmed as he pushed an array of buttons and set off to wherever they were supposed to land. Kai thought for a moment that his legs would give out, but they remained as steady as rocks withstanding the onslaught of violent waves. They remained steady even as the ship swayed a little while landing on the grounds of Ajan Kloss.

He was going to meet Rey Skywalker.

  
The ghost had shut it's damn mouth.

Ajan Kloss was so incredibly green, it looked like a ball covered in leaves and moss and then even more leaves.

A canopy of trees covered most of the planet. Lush plants scattered across it's earth in various varieties of green, and Kai couldn't comprehend at how very different the same color could look, how many hues it could have, each one beautiful and reflective of the life it carried within itself. The humidity was intense, it felt like rainfall was imminent and the birds seemed to agree with him. Their song was growing more nervous with each passing moment as if sounding an alarm for others who might not be as perceptive.  
  
But it might have also been a different kind of intensity which was currently weighing down the air around him, a different kind of intensity that was agitating the animals.

  
A group of around 20 people had assembled where he and the pilot had landed, some of their faces constricted into either distrust or displeasure at their appearance. Or maybe it was less personal than that and they just didn't appreciate the disturbance of their peace. Others just looked confused. He couldn't guess what their confusion was about.  
  
He walked down the ramp slowly, the pilot was tailing close behind him, though not out of an unstoppable eagerness to meet Rey Skywalker. He was hiding behind his back, using him as a shield in case all hell would break loose. But Kai was used to people being distrustful of him, his size and looks often made sure people would be suspicious of him at first glance, it had been the case on Kef Bir and Bractilla too. This felt more intense though. The stakes were much higher right now, as all of his pathetic hopes and dreams depended on this very moment and on how well he would do right now. The anxious pilot wasn't making him feel better by any means, he was tightly clutching Kai's sweater at his back, stretching the material out. He wanted to shake his sweaty little hands off but refrained, keeping his focus on the crowd in front of him and in between all of them on one person in particular.  
  
In the very center of the group stood a woman, average in height and slender. She was clothed in varying shades of browns and beiges. Her dark-brown hair was tightly bound into three buns at the back of her head, only a flew strands were escaping the carefully arranged hairstyle and framing her soft brow and hard jawline delicately. She had a face that he would have described as pretty, maybe even beautiful, if he hadn't been so focused in the expression it was carrying.

She was looking at him like he was a ghost. A ghost that came to haunt her.  
  
Like he was the personification of all the heartache she had ever endured in her life.  
  
He knew what he saw in her eyes, knew intimately what that felt like. Knew of how an aching heart hurt and how a restless mind turned. He knew plenty about ghosts and how they were trained in making everything so much worse. He knew what it was like to look at things and people and be reminded of some long-forgotten pain, despite them no connection to it.  
  
Kai stopped only a couple of feet away from the ramp and felt unsure about how to proceed. The silence was deafening, another suffocating layer on top of the warm humidity of the planet. But after a couple of breaths and uncertain looks into the small crowd he decided to just get on with it, it was now or never.  
  
“I am looking for Rey Skywalker.” He spoke, hoping his voice sounded more sure of himself than he felt. The pilot behind him startled as the sound cut through the tense silence. He wished the man would let go of his sweater, it was unnerving.  
  
His eyes kept darting toward the brunette, unable to keep his gaze off of her for too long. A short swoop across the many faces opposite of him and then right back to her. Once, twice and then again. Her expression slowly changed with every time he chanced a look at her. It first turned to shock, then to confusion, until at last a frown carved itself onto her large forehead and her eyebrows lowered. Why was she looking at him like that? What did he do to earn her anger ?  
  
She moved a couple of steps forward, straightened her shoulders and looked him square in the eyes. Her shoulders were set, her chin stubborn and her stance wide. He was no longer able to look away, not even for a second.  
  
“ **I** am Rey Skywalker.”  
  
The sound of her voice made his body react immediately, he could feel his heart skip a beat and then another one. What was happening? Why were his hands feeling so fidgety? Why did his mouth feel so dry? It must be from the surprising realization that Rey Skywalker was not some old, bearded man, but instead a beautiful woman. Younger than him too. How could someone like her have anything to do with him? The hot look of suspicion in her eyes certainly didn't seem anything like the recognition he had hoped to see in Rey Skywalker's eyes. And while his eyes felt drawn to the sight of her, she didn't look familiar to him either.

Kai felt like he had swallowed stones, black and sharp ones.  
  
The crowd looked from her and back to him and the pilot, who was by now pulling at his shirt even more insistently, urging him to say something.  
  
Thunder roared in the sky, not too far off from them. It felt like a foreboding.  
  
“It is nice to meet you … You all. Thank you for letting us land and welcoming us so … warmly. My name is Kai and this is- ” Kai turned towards the pilot, who was still standing way too close to him. He gestured to the man, encouraging him to introduce himself as well. Anything to give Kai a moment to breathe and collect himself. Rey was staring at him, obviously trying to assess him, read his intent.  
  
“Name's Bok. Bok Pawel. I am just the pilot, I flew him here on his wish.”  
  
“It wasn't just my wish, you took a whole lot of money from me for it.” Kai bit out, lowering his voice. He knew the pilot had stripped him of more money than had been anywhere near appropriate. Bok was more a thief than a pilot, at least by Kai's standards.

“I- I have children to feed! Plenty of them! My wife is insatiable, and who can blame her with man like me as her husband!”  
  
Bok wasn't just a thief but also a terrible liar.

“Besides,” Bok continued, “You only gave me the first half!”  
  
“You will get the rest once we return!” Kai snapped.

  
“Your name is Kai?” Rey's voice cut through their bickering, her forehead still marked with a frown, although confusion seemed to have won the warring war inside her and left less room for the anger that had been simmering in her gaze mere seconds ago. Kai felt the sour taste of embarrassment on his tongue. He had chosen the name for himself, it had come to him on instinct. Was it that silly? Was it so unusual? He wouldn't know.  
  
He had never wished to know his true name more than he did in this very moment.  
  
His ears burned and he was grateful they were hidden behind a layer of thick, dark hair. He nodded and swallowed before he spoke again. This was not going well, he had to do something.  
  
He moved his hands towards his backpack and the group moved, quick to assume the worst of him and getting ready to fight.

All except Rey, she just stood there, her hazel eyes bright and alert. Waiting. Anticipating.

He didn't blame the others, he was a stranger who for no known reason came here and disturbed their peace. They had no way to gauge his intentions. He would have to prove them that his intentions were not harmful.  
  
He raised both his hands in a sign of surrender and spoke. “I brought something for you” he said calmly, addressing Rey. “I told the person that allowed us to land.”  
  
“A lightsaber, I was told.” Rey responded, one of her hands gesturing for the others to calm down and let her handle the situation. They obeyed.  
  
He nodded. “It's in my backpack. Can I … ?”

“Go on.” Her demeanor might no longer be angry, but she was cautious. He could see her try to make sense of him, try to figure him out, the gears in her head turning and turning. Hopefully, things would become more clear for her once she saw the lightsaber. Hopefully, they would grow more trusting of him and the pilot. They were no threat. Just a fisherman looking for his past and a pilot looking to get a job done.  
  
He took off his backpack and pulled the lightsaber out.  
  
A collective gasp tore from everyone, he didn't know what baffled them more, the lightsaber itself or the fact that he had spoken the truth. Murmurs began, he heard bits and pieces of speculations about who's lightsaber this might have been and how he came into the possession of it. None of what they said made any sense to him.  
  
Rey remained silent, her full and pink mouth hung open only a fraction as she stared at the weapon. She didn't seem shocked by it, if anything she seemed to grow more confused as she stared at the dark metal fitting perfectly inside his palm.

So maybe this wasn't hers after all? Had this all been for nothing? Kai could feel the cold dread in his stomach settle even further down in his gut, as he watched his greatest fear of the past couple of weeks become true. Rey Skywalker didn't seem to know him, and neither did she seem to be the owner of the weapon.

Then why had it sent him here? He had crossed the galaxy to get here, swam like a small fish through the untamable black ocean of space for this.

Only to be left with nothing.

  
His emotions must have been written all over his face, for when Rey's eyes found his eyes again she instantly guarded her own face into impassivity. He would have appreciated this small act of mercy more if it hadn't felt so much like pity.

  
“That saber, where did you find it?” She asked finally.

“I found it in the ocean of Kef Bir – the place I'm from – It called to me one day, completely out of the blue, and I followed it's pull. Risked my life to retrieve it and to bring it here to you.” The words that left his lips felt like bricks falling out of his mouth.  
  
Something like hope crossed her features at that, and he latched onto that the way a suffocating fish latched onto a single drop of water. He also resented himself for it.

  
“Why bring it to me? Who told you to do that?”

“The saber. It told me to find you.”  
  
“It speaks?” She asked, but her question didn't seem born out of shock, she didn't seem perplexed by the idea that an object would speak. She didn't deem him to be crazy, unlike some other people would have.  
  
“Only once and then never again.”  
  
“And you went and did as it told you? Just like that?”

Why did she insist on embarrassing him like that? First his name and now his choice to bring her the saber. He could feel his ears begin warming again. It wasn't like him to get embarrassed so easily, but it seemed to be his default emotion when confronted with Rey Skywalker.  
  
What was he supposed to say? That he no memory of who he was and had spent the last years living as a lonely fisherman? That he was a hollow shell of whatever kind of man he used to be and that the lack of memory felt like a lost limb? That the moment he had found the lightsaber he had known no moment of peace because hope kept eating at him? Hope that he might after all find the place he really belonged to and that there was a reason behind why he had been chosen to find and deliver it to her?  
  
No, he couldn't admit to such childish thoughts out loud. Not when they were being proven wrong bit by pathetic bit. It was bad enough that the ghost kept laughing at him, he didn't need her to join in as well.

“I had no choice, I couldn't resist whatever spell it had put upon me.” He said instead. That was believable, right? If lightsabers could conjure voices, they surely could also compel people into doing their bidding.  
  
She showed no visible reaction to his answer, which he chose to believe was a good sign.  
  
“You don't recognize the saber, Master? Why would it demand to be brought to you then?” A young boy asked, intelligent and curious eyes bore into Rey's.

“I do recognize it.” She turned from the boy and brought her gaze back up to Kai's, who had snapped his lowered gaze back up in surprise. “It belonged to someone very dear to me.”  
  
Thick raindrops began to fall, softening the earth below them. A group of birds set off into flight, looking to find a place to hide from the downpour.

  
Kai welcomed the water, it wasn't the same but it felt similar enough to the feeling of crashing ocean water hitting his face while setting off into the sea. A small comfort, a still young memory, one not torn from his mind. His hair was starting to soak up the moisture, as were his clothes.  
  
So she **did** recognize the weapon, there **was** a reason to why he was here.

That reason just didn't have anything to do with him. It could have been anyone, getting caught in the saber's spell, he just happened to be the sad fool to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  
  
He was glad it was raining.

“Let us go inside. We will get you fresh clothing and something to eat.” Rey called out to him over the sound of the world drowning in water

-

  
Their home was the inside of a huge cliff, a generous cave that was carved out from the inside to match the structure of a large living complex. What was within the inside wasn't visible from the outside, effectively making it perfectly camouflaged as just another ordinary cliff.  
  
The large open entrance resembled a hangar bay, it was filled with a handful of smaller and medium-sized ships, which were parked there. The hangar bay seemed to also function as somewhat of a hallway, an entrance. Multiple doors were scattered along the walls of the entrance, leading to different spaces. It was hard to tell how big the living space they had carved out really was, the cliff was enormous. It seemed big enough to contain hundreds of people. Far more than was necessary for this group of people.  
  
Rey lead them towards one of the doors placed into the thick stone walls of the cave structure. Behind it was a small hallway, one actually appropriately sized to be called such a thing, leading to even more doors.  
  
She opened two doors at the end of it.

“You can stay here for now. This hallway and all the rooms withing it are yours to use, these two are the bedrooms. The freshers are right next to them. I will make sure that someone brings you some food and dry clothing.”  
  
Bok wordlessly picked one of the two rooms and closed the door behind him, apparently glad to finally be free of the tense air that wouldn't let up since the moment they'd arrived. Rey and Kai stayed there for a moment, silently regarding each other. He could feel himself wanting something from her, what he didn't know. He wanted to talk to her, remain standing next to her, gaze into her eyes for just a little longer. Some delusional part of him was seemingly still clinging to the idea that she might have answers for him. He resisted the urge to shake his head at his thoughts and desires. They were foolish.  
  
“Do you not wish to take the lightsaber?” Kai asked.

“Why are you really here?”  
  
Kai blinked. Her gaze was shifting and now wholly unguarded. Her eyes reflected weariness, her facial features shaped like all the weight of the world was her's to carry. He didn't know what made her look so heavyhearted, so aching, or what hard weight her small shoulders had to bear, but he felt for her. He felt for her and he felt like he understood. _A ludicrous idea_ , the ghost whispered, _what could he have in common with someone like her? A Jedi Master. Someone who was chosen by destiny. Destined for greatness._  
  
But he couldn't help his feelings, could he? It was like her emotions called and his own responded to her call, birds looking for their own kin and fluttering wings following wherever their own kind went. Similarly, his very own aches and sorrows fluttered up and wanted to give flight, fly into her, and find comfort there. If he only understood at least half of their origin, maybe he could give words to these unsettling feelings.

He settled for what little he did understand about himself.

“I-” He paused, then swallowed, his gaze locked to the floor. “I awoke by a lake, alone. More than alone actually, because I didn't even recognize the face I saw reflected in the water.”  
  
This was hard. Harder than fighting a wild and cold sea while trying to pull what belonged to it out it's grasp, to later sell it at the market. He hadn't shared this with anyone except with Yafza and his wife, back when he had collapsed on the humble marketplace in that village that had become his home. The only place that he could call that.

“I found people, kind people, who took me in. I've spend the last years in their village, until this lightsaber called out to me and dragged me into the ocean and demanded I bring it to you.” He looked up at her, his hands fidgeting in the pockets of his pants.

Her expression was the look one gave a small creature which was freezing in the cold. It was an expression of sympathy, of compassion and of tragedy. A look reserved for the things that pain us the most about life. Her expression, in turn, ached him, the pain she felt was shooting from her heart right into his.  
  
“Please, don't look like that. I'm fine. I've learned to live with it.” He wanted to kick himself for upsetting her. He wanted to share his emotions, feel connected to the parts he saw in her that felt like himself, not make her even more miserable.

“They were good to you, the people that found you ?” She asked instead.

He nodded and she gave him a weak smile. She broke their gaze and looked at the lightsaber he still held in his right hand. He lifted the hand, offering the weapon to her, but she gently pressed it down again.

“You can keep it.” Was all she said before she left him.  
  


-

It was the third day of Kai's and Bok's stay on Ajan Kloss. It had been part of their deal that the pilot would stay as long as Kai did. He had been his only way off of the planet, so he had made sure the pilot wouldn't pull any stunts by only paying him the first half. Once they returned the pilot would get the other half. But if Bok one day decided to just leave him behind, Kai found himself less and less worried about that potential outcome.

Ajan Kloss was beautiful. It's jungles were filled with so much life, Kai sometimes thought he could feel the energy of everything that was alive on this planet hang palpably in the air. It was like a current that was all around them, filling the space between them like gentle electricity. This was not the first time he had felt something akin to this, but somehow being on this planet exaggerated those feelings hundredfold.

He didn't tell anyone. What was he supposed to say? That he was imagining feeling things that he couldn't see? The ghost had mocked him for his foolishness, as it usually did and he kept his mouth shut. He was starting to get along with some of the inhabitants of this planet, he didn't want to scare anyone away with his ludicrous delusions.

He had befriended an older man – Pitah - who had made it his job to ensure everyone here got fed proper food. Nobody had forced him to do it, Pitah had explained, he simply wanted to be useful and contribute to this group of people that had decided to share their lives with each other.

Pitah wasn't a Jedi like Rey, nor was he in training. In fact, most people here weren't. Rey Skywalker had seven students. The remaining 19 people were either family members or friends of those students, who had wanted to come along with their loved ones instead of being left behind. Pitah's wife, Alena, who was just like her husband already well into her fifties, was force-sensitive. Rey had come across them during her travels, back when Ajan Kloss had yet to become everyone's home. Back then Rey had led a nomadic lifestyle, tracking down Force-sensitives and teaching them how to maintain balance within themselves through different practices. She had intended to show them and then leave them back to their quiet lives.  
  
But Alena hadn't wanted that, something had awakened in her during Rey's stay and she had wanted to accompany Rey. She had wanted to learn more about the Force and had explained to him that she had been waiting for this all her life without even knowing. Alena had asked him to let her go with Rey, at least for a little while. She had wanted to go but he couldn't just let her leave all on her own, so he had joined them both. They had spent two years traveling with Rey, watching as some people learned their lessons and waved them goodbye as the left, and as others, who felt just like Alena, insisted they accompany Rey on her mission.  
  
Eventually, Rey had come to the conclusion that if they all insisted on sticking with her, that she had to find them a home, for she couldn't keep a clean conscience if she kept dragging everyone half across the galaxy for years on end.

That is how they had ended up here, building a home in the Klosslands for a group of people that were not a family yet felt kinship in sharing similar experiences and their trust in Rey Skywalker.

Alena wasn't as gifted as some of the others. Her strength lay in sensing other people's emotions even before they themselves felt them, sensing when a plant or an animal would die or fall ill. Four of Rey's students were strong enough to train and become true Jedi Knights, wielders of Force powers that allowed them to defend what they held dear. Those four still accompany Rey on missions to track down Force-sensitives and teach them about the importance of maintaining balance within themselves. Alena and two others had more subdued abilities that were neither intended nor well suited for potential battle.  
  


“Why is balance so important?” Kai asked.  
  
“I'm not good at explaining it,” Pitah grumbled while chopping vegetables “It's probably best you ask one of the Force-users if you really want to know.”

The man turned toward him, frown on his face. “Didn't you say you are a fisherman? Come help me prepare the fish then.”

Pitah's demeanor was gruff, but Kai could feel beneath that hard exterior was a man who held deep affection for those he loved. He had after all left his whole life behind only to be with the woman he loved. 

It must be nice, to be loved like that.

-

He didn't see Rey often.

It was his fifth day on Ajan Kloss and he had yet to see her again.

He knew she was there, something inside him told him so. She was close, just not as close as he would have liked.

It was ridiculous, the ghost would keep telling him, that he had grown so attached to her after only speaking to her once, after only seeing her once. He'd reason that it was only because he had spent weeks, even months, getting invested in the idea of Rey Skywalker being the key to his past. He has deluded himself like that for such a long time, it was natural that it was now hard for him to let go of that, right? It wasn't more than that, just his silly dreams still clinging on to her. It was best to forget them.  
  
She hadn't recognized him and the saber wanted him to bring it to her because it had belonged to someone who had been important to her. That's it.

“ _Told you so”_ the ghost whispered.

Kai scoffed silently, kicking a rock. Someone was calling his name, he looked up and recognized one of the teens he had tracked back on Bractila. A young man named Temiri.  
  
“We're going hunting in the jungle. Do you want to join?”

He had joined them already yesterday, and apparently his hunting skills weren't half bad. He had tracked and slew a creature with minimal effort within two hours. That didn't seem to be very usual, as they looked at him like he was some sort of master hunter. Kai had never hunted in his entire life, except that one time he had killed a small creature out of desperation and hunger. Fishing had been his occupation.

And yet again he began to wonder who the man he used to be was.

If not a Jedi, if not someone that Rey Skywalker knew – then who? Had he been a hunter? Was this some hidden muscle memory that was aiding him in tracking and slaying these creatures?

He moved towards the group waiting outside of the cave.

He felt like he was being watched.

-

“One of the kids mentioned it's Skywalker's birthday tomorrow.” Bok mumbled. The pilot had barged into his room and made himself comfortable on Kai's bed, after proclaiming how bored he was on this planet.  
  
Kai's interest was piqued, as it was every time Rey was mentioned.

“Oh?”

“Yup, they plan to throw her a surprise party. They seem to do that every year.”

“How is that a surprise then?”

“The day is a surprise. She doesn't seem to know the day she was born, so they pick another one each year and surprise her with it.”

Kai could feel his eyebrows rise in surprise.

“That is -”

“Silly? I know. Who cares about birthdays anyway, I don't understand the notion of celebrating getting closer to death each year.”

“ … I meant to say it is considerate.”

“Oh. Yeah, that too I guess.”

The silence stretched on between the two men and Kai resumed tidying his room.

He would see Rey then. Tomorrow at this surprise birthday celebration. He felt embarrassed at how excited that made him feel and he sincerely hoped Bok couldn't tell. He turned his back towards him for extra measure.

It's been a week since he had first and last seen her. He hadn't been able to resist asking people about her, but he tried to do it as less frequently as he could bear. Everyone had been full of praise for her.

But everyone always said the same things. That she was dedicated to the mission she had set for herself as a Jedi, that she had taken good care of all of them and that she was a good teacher.

He still knew nothing about **her**. What was her favorite color? What was her favorite food? What did she like to do the most when she had no obligations? What was she scared of? Had she ever seen an ocean? Did she like it?

Did she have someone she loved?

“How long do you intend to stay here?” Bok's voice tore Kai out of his thoughts.

“I don't know.”

The pilot sighed wearily.  
  


-

The group of people that called themselves Padawans had started decorating a spot inside the dense jungle of the Klosslands at some point in the evening. Most evenings Rey would retreat into her own rooms, which made it the most inconspicuous time to prepare a surprise party without being noticed.  
  
He had been asked earlier in the day to help them hunt, something big, something special. Something befitting the master they all cared so much about.  
  
He cared too, for some inexplicable reason. Despite Rey not being who he had hoped she would be, despite not finding the salvation he had hoped he would find here.

Despite not having seen the woman beyond that first time he had met her. And that time hadn't even gone well.

“ _Foolish child.” H_ e heard the ghost whisper.

The hunt had been a success, and Kai was glad for it. He relished in the appreciation they showed him, he felt comfortable around them. More comfortable than he had felt on Kef Bir or Bractila. Here he didn't feel too big, too intimidating. He didn't seem to be too much for anyone here, a silent acceptance surrounded him. After the difficult start they had all had, all traces of doubt and suspect had been swept away. As if they were able to sense he had no ill intent, as if they could see who he truly was, behind the big body and big ears.

Maybe that was why he cared so much. Rey might have not been the salvation nor the answer he had looked for, but he liked the place she had made her home. He felt comfortable here.   
  
He kept delaying his departure.  
  
Where would he go? What would he do? There was nowhere else for him to go, except Kef Bir. And while he deeply cared for Yafza and Meila, between Kef Bir and Ajan Kloss, he found he'd rather stay here.

Pitah had laughed when he had dragged the giant, dead animal inside the kitchen.  
  
“My boy! You truly have a talent for hunting! If it weren't for your calm nature, I might have grown scared of you!” Pitah said jokingly, but something about that made Kai halt for a moment.

“Why would you say that?” He questioned.

Pitah paused, turning back towards Kai.

“It's not an easy thing, to be able to track something. But even that is easier than the task of ending a living being's life. It is not something most people are capable of doing.” The man said, his tone serious but his face kept it's gentleness. “It is not a shameful thing, Kai. Whatever a person does, it is the motivation that makes a thing good or bad. I know your intentions are good, Kai. You did it to feed all of us.”

“So, if someone does terrible things but believes themselves to be doing it for the right reasons, then it's fine?” Kai pressed. Why was this bothering him so much? Why did he feel ashamed?  
  
“I-” Pitah paused and looked at his knife, the one he intended to skin the animal with. “No, I suppose not.” His gaze returned back to meet Kai's, he seemed to sense Kai's internal struggle. “I am no stranger to making mistakes, some things I have done were neither noble nor good, no matter how much I tried to make myself believe that they were. But I believe in everyone's capacity to become better than we were before.”  
  
Kai felt a wrenching pain in his gut.

-

Everyone had assembled around a big fireplace inside the jungle. Small solar-charged lights had been scattered and hung from the lush trees surrounding them, casting the space in a warm, soft glow. The buzzing and chirping of insects could be heard as the cool air soothed plants and animals alike from the heat they had suffered throughout the day. Pillows lay scattered around the fire, food had been placed on makeshift tables and everyone had dressed up. Even Bok had been given slightly more formal clothes, to fit the occasion. Everyone except Kai, they barely had any clothes that would fit his frame. He might have felt embarrassed by that if he wasn't so excited to finally see Rey again.

“ _Foolish child.”_

He clutched the small present in his hand tightly.

He could hear the girl that had gone to fetch Rey chatter animately, she was the same one who had talked to him two weeks ago when he and Bok had asked for permission to land. He could also hear Rey's voice, drawing closer and closer.

An exclamation of joy and a collective shout of “Surprise!” followed shortly.

Kai thought that it didn't matter that he had no memories of his past life, as long as he could eternally memorize the expression of pure joy gracing Rey's lovely face. The ever-present pull to be close to her grew stronger, urged him on to go to her but he remained still and watched as her followers – no, her friends and students swarmed her with their affection.

It was the closest Kai had ever felt to happiness.

-

He had somehow ended up sitting next to her in front of the fireplace.

He tried to regard her non conspicuously, not keen on being caught staring. But it was hard not to. Stare that is.

There was a magnetism about her, a special glow she seemed to be coated in, a brightness that shone through her eyes and her skin. Even the flames of the fire seemed to burn brighter since she arrived. Whether the warmth Kai felt inside himself was because of her light or because of the fireplace, he couldn't tell.

She had chatted with whoever approached her, thanked everyone for the presents they got her and laughed at the youngster's failed attempts at singing celebratory songs. The skin around her eyes was crinkling, her teeth shone big and bright between lips that were reddened with joy. They looked like pink pieces of a fleshy fruit, one he would have liked to pluck and hold towards his very own lips, only to have a small taste. He felt like a moth circling an oil lamp, only a matter of time before he would get too close and get burned.

When she ate the meat and complemented Pitah on the taste and texture of the meal, Kai's heart grew a bit in pride. He had been the one to cull the animal and he was glad it wasn't for nothing.

He joined conversations here and there, still mostly silent in comparison to the others. He was enjoying the company of this peculiar group of people and dare he even think it - even Bok felt like good company tonight. 

Bok nudged his side, pointing to Temiri and a girl, sneaking away deeper into the jungle. Temiris brown hair looked almost blonde next to her black locks as their heads leaned onto each other while they slowly slid out of sight. She was the same girl that had been with Temiri on Bractila, back when he had trailed them and a faint memory of the name Skywaker had sent him into such distress.

A false memory it seemed, another trick played by the lightsaber. Another way it had aided him in finding Rey. And she didn't even want it.

“Hey, Jedi Master. Don't you have anything to say about that?” Bok asked, pointing towards the now empty spot with his head.

  
“Should I?” Rey raised one brow at Bok.

“I heard Jedi weren't allowed to have any relationships, something about attachments being forbidden.”

Kai could feel his heartbeat speed up at that.

“Does this look to you like a place free of attachments?”

“Nope, that's why I'm asking.”

“It is true - there was a time when Jedi and Padawan alike would not be allowed attachments, for they believed that any attachment would lead to the dark side. Padawans would have to leave their families behind and devote their lives to the studies of the Force. But, as you can see, I do not believe in that. It had never been my intention to train Jedi, only to teach people to keep an inner balance through different practices. But somehow it still happened, and here I find myself with seven Padawans and their families and friends that I now have to care for.” She laughed, but her tone was not unkind. She seemed to be laughing at a joke only she would understand. “I didn't have a family for a long time, now I have seven.”

Kai could feel the deep, hidden hurt inside her, it was like a mirror of his own. She too didn't have anyone, no family of her own. He wanted to reach out and touch her hand. 

“Denial and suppression is no way to live and neither is it a way to exist within the force. I believe in integrating all of life into one, only can be true balance. That is what I try to teach.”

“Besides,” she now looked at Kai, “I do not believe that love leads to the dark side, but that a lack thereof does. I knew someone who fell towards the dark side because of a lack of love, and who found his way back out only because he realized he had been loved all along.”

He felt like she was trying to tell him something, something beyond the words that left her lips. When she looked at him like this he felt like she knew him better than he knew himself. Which, considering his situation, didn't seem like too big of a feat, but for some strange reason he felt that he knew her just the same. Like he knew her better than he knew himself.

“What is the dark side anyway? I've heard about it plenty of times, but nobody seems to know what they're even talking about.” Bok's voice broke through the daze Kai had found himself in.

Rey's eyes remained on Kai as she spoke.

“The dark side is the parts of us that hurt.”

-

Everyone had left, leaving Kai and Rey in the faint remaining light of the slowly dying flames.

Kai had offered to clean up and insistent everyone go rest, they had already done enough with the preparations. Tired as they were nobody protested, he earned himself a few claps on the back, as they all quickly scuffled away. Except for Rey. She had mumbled something about not wanting to be a bad host and leave a guest to clean all by himself and stayed to help him gather all of what was left.

They assembled everything on a small wooden carriage and waited for the last flames to die.

“Do you... have someone you love?”

Rey turned towards Kai, her features dimly illuminated but still discernible. She looked shocked and pained.

“There are many people I love.”

“But the way Temiri loves Hayltha, do you love someone like that?”

“I do.”

If someone had shot him with an arrow right through his heart it would've hurt less than this. He knew he was being irrational, he had met her only the second time today. But he couldn't help it, rationality is not a language his emotions understood it seemed. 

“I see.” He couldn't prevent the disappointment from coating his tongue.

“Do you? Do you have someone you love like that?” Her voice sounded uncharacteristically small, as fragile as a small bird's wing beat.

He shook his head.

“I-" a pained sigh and at last he said, "... I don't want to be alone.”

As he spoke those words Kai realized that that was the reason why he even embarked on this adventure, why he had hoped since the day he awoke by that damned lake that he would one day remember. Why he had put all his hopes in one black metal cross and concocted a fantasy about it being the compass that would lead him back home to someone who missed him and had cried over his disappearance.

He felt a small hand reach for his bigger one, a gentle brush of fingers against his palm and her eyes were glossy with compassion. Her lips began to move but he cut her off.

“I haven't given you your birthday present yet.” He freed his hand from hers and reached inside his pocket. “Give me your hand.”

She did as he told her, stretched her arm towards him and he moved to close a small golden colored metal chain around her wrist. A pendant hung from it.

It was the bracelet he had thoughtlessly bought from the vendor back on Bractilla, while he had eavesdropped on the two Padawans. He couldn't help but think that it was odd how perfectly it matched her.

He turned her hand to regard the pendant. A small blue butterfly hung from the wristband, hanging loosely and moving as if in flight.

His hand remained on her's as she turned her palm and clutched his hand tightly as she spoke.

“You are not alone.”  
  
He knew at that moment that she knew of the loneliness he had spoken of, saw it reflected in the bright light of her hazel eyes as he peered up to him, desperately trying to make him understand that he wasn't alone in his experience, that she understood what he spoke of.

It didn't matter right now that she might love someone else, he just wanted to remain close to her.

“Neither are you.”


End file.
